Why Saying “Stay Positive” is Detrimental to Your Athlete’s Performance (And What to Do About It)

I am currently sporting a Care Bear’s T-shirt.  All the bears have smiling, joyful expressions, except for Grumpy Bear.  Grumpy Bear may be where I (and many other people my age) learned that “negative” emotions are something to hide, be embarrassed by, or pretend we didn’t have. We’ve put this into practice with our athletes by telling them to stay positive, just move on, or be confident.  What if we started looking at our negative emotions differently, like helpers instead of hindrances?  Something to pay attention to instead of getting rid of?

Stanford researcher James Gross, in his emotional suppression research, found that when people are told to hide or push down an emotion, that emotion doesn’t actually go away.  Unfortunately, it shows up somewhere in the body–an elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, hot face, or shaky limbs.  So by telling our athletes to be positive, we’re actually encouraging a more intense physical reaction for them.  Nobody wants that!  

So what can you do about your Grumpy Bear?  Start asking yourself what the reason for that negative emotion might be, and respond with curiosity instead of dismissal: 

Anxiety:  helps you prepare and plan for what problems might happen in the future, a very useful tool if you lived in the caveman era–exactly what our brain was made to do.  Today, anxiety helps us focus on what might go wrong, and if we’re prepared, we can remind ourselves of what we’ll do in that moment to help us achieve our goals.  The just right amount of anxiety can actually improve performance!  Instead of shake it off, try asking what they are going to do in that moment.  

Frustration: Reminds you that your current approach is not working and tells you to try a different strategy, ask for help, or put in more effort.  It’s important for that frustration to settle for a bit before deciding what might need to be changed. After frustration settles, try asking:  what’s one new strategy, or who’s one person who could help? 

Anger:  Anger shows up when we feel a boundary has been crossed or something unjust has happened. It's actually a signal to protect ourselves, a teammate, or something we believe in — and it comes with a burst of energy to do something about it. In sports, we see anger when a call feels wrong or a situation feels unfair. Take the most recent red card called on USMNT member Folarin Balogun. The anger the men's team felt was real, and my guess is they didn't suppress it — instead, they used it, playing lights-out for the next 36 minutes with only 10 men on the field. Anger, used well, doesn't mean lashing out. It means channeling that energy into the next play instead of letting it leak out sideways. So instead of telling an angry athlete to "calm down," try asking, "What do you want to do with that energy right now?" 

Disappointment:  When athletes have standards, and their reality doesn’t meet them, disappointment shows up.  Disappointment means something mattered to you–a great quality to have in a teammate and player!  Instead of get over it, try asking, what did this game show you that you want to work on? 

Negative emotions aren't wrong, bad, or something to suppress. They're information. Let your athlete feel it, ask one good question, and let them make the good enough next move from there.